The Sandwiched Man

Do you belong to a family where your grandma and mum do not get along, where your dad constantly avoid getting involve in the conflicts between the two women? I do. There is nothing new about my story, just a typical problem between the mother- in- laws and their daughter- in- law, but one that I wished never had existed in my family.

Ever since I was young, I was aware of the tension between my mother and my grandmother, built up long before I was born. It all started after my parents were married, when my father made my mother promise that she will not ill-treat my grandmother. I guessed my father’s intention for doing so was to prevent any conflict in the family. I had to be honest, my mother was not perfect, as do no one was, but I would say that my grandmother was much worse.

Even without taking what I heard of the past, from my mother regarding my grandmother’s actions, into account, I would still say that things were very unfair for my mother.

Living in a period where women were getting jobs to help their husbands cope with the high standard of living, my mother faced the challenge of juggling her roles as a homemaker and a career woman. Having to leave for work at eight in the morning and only coming back at seven did not excuse her from the many household chores that she was expected to do. You might ask why it was expected of my mother to complete the household. Well, it was expected by my grandmother’s standard. My grandmother who had a traditional mindset believed that the only responsibilities of a woman were to look after their husband and keep the house clean. Hence, on top of the stress she faced from work, my mother was constantly under the pressure of performing her task at hundred percent of perfection. It did not help when my grandmother criticized my mother in front of relatives (trust me, her words can be pretty ugly) and her lack of discretion often left my mother fuming with anger.

For the past thirty years, because of the promise my mother made to my father, she never confronted my grandmother. She, did however, complained to my father about all the things that my grandmother said and did to her. My father, being a guy who disliked disagreements and confrontation, kept quiet all these years. This issue no doubt strained their relationship. It also built a lot of bitterness in my mother making her grumpy, short- tempered and constantly obsessed with doing things to perfection to avoid any sarcastic remarks from my grandmother.

At this point of time, it is no longer possible to ask my mother to talk to my grandmother to solve the issue between them without my mother lashing out at her. What should my father have done to improve the situation or is doing nothing the best thing to do?